I know they have free trial periods for a lot of things, but those are usually a farce. If it’s impossible to return, no one’s going to do it, and that’s the game. You can return your sample if you play hopscotch in the rain, on a Wednesday in October, while wearing a down vest and holding an old TV antenna in a lightning storm. They know what they are doing.

My mom used to make me breakfast in bed every morning when I was a tween and a teen. Occasionally, she would have to go to work early and would tell me the night before that I needed to make my own breakfast. Sometimes, it bothered me. She was working all the time and had cancer, and I was miffed because I wasn’t getting maple and brown sugar oatmeal in bed with orange juice. Brat.

A long time ago, I made the decision to stop pulling at strings that never end. When someone doesn’t want to answer, that is that. I am no longer in the business of investigation and would much rather spend my time shuffling my fantasy football roster at the last second on a late Sunday morning than trying to drill into steel to get a dixie cup of lukewarm water.

The hair falls down Bobby’s neck in the barber chair. He sees hair from three people merging at his feet. He tells his mom he will be late for dinner. He tells a story to tell a story because everything else seems so beige. The real story is that there is no story. Bobby is just bored.

The universe loves to lay bets on a seesaw. Watch for it the next time a bird takes a flying dump on a pedestrian’s head, and you laugh. Yours is coming when you least expect it. Splatter. The clock turns, and we start all over again.

It would be nice if you did this. I understand the sentiment, but I politely decline. I don’t go to parties. I don’t dance. I don’t know how to ride a bike. I don’t show up unannounced. These particles of preference are the atoms of my fleshy knapsack. My effort is a sidecar to that.

I played a lot of sports growing up. Basketball, tennis, baseball, football, soccer. What’s the one thing that they all have in common? Boundaries. Courts, fields, or pitches, with lines that mark in or out of bounds. It’s lovely. Why can’t I keep my life set up like that? The answer is, I can. I will. I will create a framework for my work and stick to it. I have earned that right.