All the Things I Will Never Do
I don’t want to do a lot of things in my life. I am not an adrenaline junkie or a thrill seeker. But it’s not just the scary stuff. I don’t go to parties. I don’t walk in crowds. I don’t eat food with my hands unless the exterior part that you touch is extremely dry. Most people think that I have a plethora of issues, but I think it comes down to preference.
I don’t like being scared. I don’t like being uncomfortable. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like driving fast. Some might find this lame and unexciting. I find it safe and pleasurable. Potato, tomato. I like both potatoes and tomatoes, but they don’t work well together. I don’t like the act of traveling. I do like being in new places, but the throttling to get there has me traveling less and less.
I will never skydive. I will never bungee jump. I don’t like heights. I don’t like looking down from the edge of anything. An ex-girlfriend of mine had my dog on a leash near the edge of Overlook Mountain, and I about died. What if, what if, what if. I know some people think what-iffing everything is a terrible way to live, but it also avoids epic disaster most of the time.
I will never go 100 miles per hour again. I did it once, when I was sixteen. I was with my stepbrother, Erik, on Sunrise Highway on the way into the Hamptons, and we wanted to see if his red Toyota Supra would display 100 in its digital speedometer. It did. The lights went on behind us. The police officer asked if I knew I was going 90. At sixteen, I said, “I actually thought I hit 100.” He didn’t laugh. He asked Erik if he could drive home. Erik was pretending to be asleep.
I will never eat sauced chicken wings with my hands. For you, this seems like nothing. For me, it’s like asking Hulk Hogan to bodyslam me on concrete in a hailstorm. I will never eat a ghost pepper. My son once came home early from school in high school, not because he was sick, but because he ate a ghost pepper at lunch after his friend challenged him to. I’ll just have a salad.
I will never belittle someone on purpose. When I was a ravenous trial attorney, I felt like it was part of my job. It was part of the trial performance. But in real life, it’s so mean to make someone feel less than. Some people who worked for me may have felt belittled because they couldn't meet the standard I required, but that’s not what I am talking about. I am talking about intentionally making someone feel bad about themselves, and knowing you’re doing it.
I will never feel jealous again. It’s just not a feeling I want to have again. I don’t want to suspect someone of something when I am in a relationship. When I was younger, my guesses were far-fetched sometimes. But after someone ran a double or triple life on me and I realized all of my assumptions were correct, I vowed to avoid the feeling. If I feel jealous, it’s either my insecurity based on someone else, or it’s not the right person for me.
I will never sell out unless that sell-out is a better move for my kids’ future and does not impact my legacy. Selling out is okay if that’s what you built something for. Everyone has their own definition of selling out. I don’t want to sell out on my core beliefs. That would hurt me and leave me with regret on my deathbed.
I will never expect the universe to provide for me. I want to earn my keep.
© Jonathan Greene, October 13, 2026
