It All Comes Out In the Wash

Essays

Jul 31

I saw her down the block. She looked good. As she got closer, she got older. I bet she was thinking the same thing. I am not aging in reverse. We didn’t lock eyes. Her dog growled at me. The dog knew. The pizza place across the street stayed the same.

My socks come out in the wash. I never mysteriously lose a sock. Maybe I just don’t know because I wear mismatched socks every day and just throw them in a jumble in my top drawer. My underwear sleeps next to the stray socks in a folded pile. Strange bedfellows.

The universe loves to lay bets on a seesaw. Watch for it the next time a bird takes a flying dump on a pedestrian’s head, and you laugh. Yours is coming when you least expect it. Splatter. The clock turns, and we start all over again.

I opened the first door for someone at Chipotle the other day. He returned the favor by opening the second door for me. This is basically living a balanced, healthy life in a very small nutshell. I got to the line first. Both of our meals probably tasted the same.

Toast. It’s universal.

I used to have season tickets to the Miami Heat when I was in law school. I only had two tickets, but one time I took my friends, who were a couple, and the guy got a random ticket. The seat behind us was open. Two seats away was a girl I knew. I kissed her friend a couple of months ago, while she was kissing my friend. Law school was an incredible three years. The girl was on a date and started talking to my friend’s girlfriend. They hit it off. She connected the dots. My friend’s wife covertly got her number while she was on a date with a guy. It all comes out in the wash.

We dated for a little while, kind of. The first time she came back to my townhouse, she scarfed a half bag of pretzels and wanted to kiss. I asked her if she realized how many pretzel parts get stuck in people’s back teeth. I took her home. One night at 3:14 in the morning, my friend Lon called me. Lon is exactly how you would think he is. “Break up with her. She’s here kissing another guy. Weren’t you just here last night with her and she was kissing you?” Yes.

I called her the next day and told her I didn’t want to see her anymore. She was outraged because we weren’t in a relationship. I told her that I didn’t think she was cheating on me, but I thought it was gross, and it just wasn’t for me. She wouldn’t stop calling me to dispute this. She said her parents even said it was okay because we weren’t exclusive. She didn’t get what I was saying. I had to get Caller ID for the first time.

Everything is a giant circle. I tried to ride go-karts with my kids at one of those tracks that is somehow indoors and in an industrial park. I got sick after about two turns and had to stop. Every kid there beat me, even Randy. Randy was no more than five and a half. I can’t ride a bike. Yes, I can swim.

When I was thirteen, I made an off-hand comment about the size of a girl at camp’s breasts. I thought it was funny. It was not funny. She kicked me very hard in the genitals. I went down for the count. We are friends on Instagram now.