Impermanent Solitude
I like my own company. If you say that to an insecure person, they'll respond, “I like my own company, too.” But they don’t, and you weren’t talking about them anyway. This is why the stillness of being alone is a treasure to those who can withstand it. Any judgment on you happens outside your four walls. The world is an imperfect place. People are the fault line.
Long Cuts
I’d rather take a long, meandering walk through an oblong forest with only orange marks on the trees to help me find my way. I’d rather take 47 minutes, lay down a blanket in a grassy field, and practice stillness of body and mind under the only tree. I want slow mornings with clouds lollygagging through the sky outside my window. I want to wait too long for my tea to steep, then let it cool, before I value every sip until it’s gone.
It’s Alright
Nothing that anyone else does around you matters unless they are intentionally doing something to or for you. Everyone has their own issues and demons. It doesn’t make what they do right. Sometimes, it doesn’t make what they say wrong. It just is. We are all individuals who would love to pull through the Taco Bell drive-thru and order a Gordita Crunch and a Seven-Layer Burrito, and eat them sitting in the parking lot with the car running and a random Spotify playlist on.
Solitary Confinement
I used to cry when my kids went to their mom’s for their half-week after we got divorced. After I dried my tears, I went to Taco Bell, ate some in the car, and brought the rest home to eat in my underwear on my couch in front of the TV. It was hard to sleep without them at home. For all the years I found so much pleasure in solitary confinement, I never realized how lost I would feel in it as a parent.
Things To Do When Idle
One time when I stopped taking Lexapro cold turkey while going through a divorce, I lost space and time. My body was sweating, and my mind was lucid dreaming while I sat in the living room trying to watch TV. It was as close to an alternative universe as I have ever been. I knew then that those drugs were not helping me. Sometimes you are just sad because you can’t see your kids every day and your life has lost so much meaning.
Touching the Rut With My Left Hand
I think most hoarders secretly want their house to burn down. They think the problem would be solved, but it wouldn’t. There will just be a new house to put new stuff. That’s social media. If Meta deleted all of my accounts, I would feel lucky. Then, at some point, I would convince myself again that they were a necessary evil for business. And the cycle would start again.